Thursday, May 29, 2008

75 Things Every Man Should Be Capable Of

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.

2. Tell if someone is lying.

3. Take a photo. Fill the frame.

4. Score a baseball game.

5. Name a book that matters. (The Catcher in the Rye does not matter. Not really. You gotta read.)

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.

8. Not monopolize the conversation.

9. Write a letter.

10. Buy a suit.

11. Swim three different strokes. Doggie paddle doesn't count.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up. (Respect the following, in this order: age, experience, record, reputation.)

13. Throw a punch. Close enough, but not too close. Swing with your shoulders, not your arm. Long punches rarely land squarely. So forget the roundhouse. You don't have a haymaker. Follow through; don't pop and pull back. The length you give the punch should come in the form of extension after the point of contact.

14. Chop down a tree. Know your escape path. When the tree starts to fall, use it.

15. Calculate square footage. Width times length.

16. Tie a bow tie.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.

18. Speak a foreign language. Pas beaucoup. Mais faites un effort.

19. Approach a woman out of his league.

20. Sew a button.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it. Otherwise, ask after it.

23. Be loyal.

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Use a contractor's hammer. Swing hard and loose, like a tennis serve.

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.

27. Play gin with an old guy.

28. Play go fish with a kid.

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

30. Feign interest.

31. Make a bed.

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick.

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.

34. Dress a wound.

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil.

36. Make three different bets at a craps table.

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.

38. Tell a joke.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Aces. Eights. Always.)

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.

44. Ask for help.

45. Break another man's grip on his wrist.

46. Tell a woman's dress size.

47. Recite one poem from memory.

48. Remove a stain. (Blot. Always blot.)

49. Say no.

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.

51. Build a campfire.

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.

54. Break up a fight.

55. Point to the north at any time. .

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.

57. Explain what a light-year is.

58. Avoid boredom.

59. Write a thank-you note.

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.

61. Cook bacon.

62. Hold a baby.

63. Deliver a eulogy.

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.

65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.

69. Tie a knot.

70. Shake hands.

71. Iron a shirt.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.

73. Caress a woman's neck. (Back of your fingers, in a slow fan.)

74. Know some birds.

75. Negotiate a better price.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

GISMODO inspired me

Okay so I must admit, there is a tech website called that has caught my eye because their catch phrase is "So much in love with shiny new toys, it's unnatural. " This cracks me up. I'm in love with shiny new toys also, only sometimes the ones that gizmodo gets to yammer on about are pretty expensive compared to mine.

Well anyways, on the front page today was a picture of some dude's man purse and all of its tech-toys inside. Well I was inspired. This dude had a macbook, a digital camera, a smart phone, an iPod, blah blah blah. Well the list went on and on and on. I have some pretty cool stuff in my purse too! Well here's the point to my yaddah yaddah: I'm a great candidate for the "what's in your purse game."

Okay ready, set, go!

Let's start of with the purse itself: it's coach. Duh. Any self respecting twenty something has a nice bag, and if you aren't crazy enough to go out and spend thousands then you are smart enough to walk your butt into Nordstrom and fork out a couple of hundred for a gorgeous leather Coach bag. Teeny boppers carry pink and white Dooney & Burke (too young for me), my mom has a killer brown Dooney & Burke (too old for me), and I carry...well I carry Coach.

On a side note, the size of the Coach purse that I carry inspires many onlookers to call it the "Mary Poppins" bag. I don't take offense because when they need something they come running to me and I probably have it in the gorgeous bag that they just mocked.

Now the contents: varied.

There is always my smart phone. Right now I'm rocking the Treo755 for Sprint. It may seem a bit like a brick at first, but this little blue block of heaven is my life. My calendar. My memos. My address book. My internet connection when I'm on the go. I'm hooked. Call me a "treonaut" or whatever you will, but I doubt I will ever own a "crackberry" or an "IpaidtoomuchPHONE." I like the Palm interface, and as much as I complain about talking to Sprint Customer Care, I'll never switch carriers.

Next is a journal. Right now it's a simple blue leather bound book that I grabbed from Target or such. It started way back as a food journal. It's since been abandoned and I keep it in there for thoughts, great tunes I just heard, and just all out funny pieces of information I pick up throughout the day. I have a horrible memory and it just helps me remember the good stuff in life. If life is a cupcake, only the icing makes it into the journal.

Now for the every popular iPod: it's blue (like everything else in my purse so far) and is constantly befriended by a great armband that I picked up at the Apple store a long time ago. It carries all the favorites plus any new downloads that I'm testing out to see if I like or not. Recently added are new stuff from my two favorite boys: Gavin DeGraw and Jason Mraz. I'm really liking the new duet called "Lucky" by Colbie Calait and Jason Mraz! But it doesn't stop there. I have this eclectic love of tunes that includes everything from the pop-centric ABBA all the way to the groovy and unshaven ZZ Top. I also keep some comedy sketches from Margaret Cho, Robin Williams, and of course, Dane Cook on there. You never know when you are going to need to laugh.

Okay now we've dispensed with the obvious, what else is in there you ask? How about a MAC make-up bag that is bursting at the seams with fun things such as Maybelline mascara (you know the one ladies) and about 3 MAC lipglass tubes? Oh that's not all. Scattered throughout the bag are an assortment of lip goodies: a mini Rocket Balm (for upstairs and downstairs), some Burt's Bees, those click-able lip glosses by Stila, etc.. I'm a lip gunk whore.

Then there's the HP R927. My camera. It's just about obsolete, but believe me it's been a good little piece of equipment. 8 megapixels. 2 memory cards in case of emergency. A battery that lasts just about 1 hour less than you need it to. At least it has the "slimming" feature that I can push to edit my photos before I even transfer them onto my computer and attack them with Photoshop. Hah. Take that!

Now besides my keys, that's pretty much it. There's random slips of paper, gum, gum, gum and more gum, floss, listerine strips and then pens for writing nots. But we can't forget the matching Coach wallet (of course) that is jam packed with gift cards, membership cards, ID's, school ID cards, debit cards, etc..

So here's the run down: I love tech stuff. I love blue. I try to keep organized, but I'm in a bit of a shamble every once in a while. So think about it. What does your purse say about your life?

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Star is Shiny, She Distracts Me

Okay so I hit up Yahoo everyday for the latest little bits and blurbs about what's going on around our country. Rarely do they have much worldwide news. I hit up the Entertainment section today and what did I see? STAR JONES IS YAPPING AGAIN!

Now I have always dislike Star Jones for multiple reasons, but my favorite reason to dislike her is now apparent: she is publicly attacking Barbara Walters.

Now everyone makes mistakes in my opinion, but admitting to fault is part of humility in my eyes. Barbara Walters has recently written a book, and in this book she outlines her career as well as a time in her life where she had an affair with a powerful man. Admission of fault. This is a big deal to me. She also outlines how she changed broadcasting and reporting forever and conducted some of the greatest interviews of our time. Does anyone care about that? No, they are just interested in the affair part. Well so is Star Jones!

Star Jones had the nerve to say that Barbara Walters is in the "sunset" of her career. Well that's a pretty hefty comment considering that Star Jones' career last a brief 15 to 20 minutes and there was no sunset. Someone simply turned out the light. In my opinion, Barbara Walters turned out the light and I am damn proud that she did. She then said that she shouldn't have humiliated that man and his family. Hah! That man embarassed his own family, Barbara Walters is doing that family a favor: they now know (without a doubt) that this man is an adulterer.

For those of you that remember, Barbara decided not to renew Ms. Jones' contract on The View a few years back. The following was what I saw when I looked at the situation:

  1. Star was obese, then Star was svelte really fast. Almost too fast. Apparently Star is mad that Barbara wouldn't let her talk about her gastric bypass surgery. You know what? Good. I think that the more surgeries celebrities have, the more danger the public is in of thinking "oh that looks easy, I will do that too!" Thank you Carnie Wilson for showing the procedure and the fact that you can, indeed, gain the weight back!
  2. Star was married in a highly publicized and extravagant wedding during her time on The View. A wedding that she paid for through shameless plugs during The View's televised broadcasts. You know what? Pound sand you spoiled brat! It's amazing to me that Barbara didn't send you packing after that! That show helped pay for a gawdy wedding for a marriage that didn't even last?

So in conclusion, I would like Star Jones to go back to being a lawyer (because apparently that's what she originally did) and continue shoving food into her mouth (like she used to do) so that I don't have to listen to her try to complain about Barbara Walters writing a book for publicity. Star Jones is just as much of a publicity whore, if not more. Now she is simply trying to ride the coattails of Barbara Walters' book. Go back to Larry King, I certainly don't want to hear your voice anymore.

Sunday, May 4, 2008



So I should probably explain the title of the blog first: Shiny Things Distract Me. I chose this for two reasons: (1) my namesake was taken and (2) simply the thought of something glimmering or shimmering can drag me away from legitimate work for hours.

List of shiny things that have distracted me lately:
1. My new TV/DVD that I got for my birthday. So what if it didn't get installed for a month? I'm happy. It's bright and works for the purpose of this blog!
2. These yummy looking embellishments that I picked up from Making Memories. They are pastel brads absolutely covered in glitter. They look like little candies that go on ice cream sundays!
3. New Sugar Coated paper from Doodle Bug. I picked it up at the Scrap N Yap last week and I have been dying for a chance to use them! Think of an entire 12 by 12 piece of bright paper that is just jam packed with glitter! The best part is that you can cut it and use it for die cuts and the glitter stays on no matter what!
4. My new bottle of Glossy Accents. It's like a clear puff paint that you can put on anything for a scrapbook page. My favorite use so far is to paint a chipboard piece with a bright paint and then throw that Glossy Accents over it. The chipboard is so shiny that it just pops out the page like magic!
5. Puff paint. I've revisited it today to make a costume for Mike's lip sync on Friday night. I forgot how much fun it is!

So welcome to my blog. I have no idea how much I will be using this, but it should be fun and useful at some point!